TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely out of put. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, confident, let's have A further spot wherever American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from space, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-previous Trump Tower Damascus Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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